Pretty much my entire professional life I had been a mother who worked. I had owned my own businesses and had the challenges that come with it, as well as the flexibility to see my kids dance on stage at school presentations on a Tuesday morning and take them to soccer practice and art class. I had the best of both worlds: the excitement and stimulation of a career and the opportunity to put my family first, without having to make difficult choices.
When we made aliyah, I knew I didn't want to keep doing the same thing I had been doing in Miami and knowing that aliyah is the perfect opportunity to reinvent oneself and begin from scratch on a clean slate, I started pursuing my hobbies (writing and photography), in hopes that they would lead me to a comfortable income. As the second year after our aliyah ended, I got the opportunity to write for a living. Not just writing as a hobby and getting paid a few bucks for it, but to actually have a job as a writer. I was hired by a high-tech firm as their content manager.
I had never really worked in a corporate environment before and I've been dazzled by the corporate perks and offices in tall towers overlooking Tel Aviv where desks share space with game rooms and cool Google-wannabe incentives. I have also discovered, however, what it means to be not a mother who works, but rather a working mother. I have come to know closely, the struggles a mother faces when having to decide between missing their son's performance at school or meeting a client. I've come to know too well, the mother who comes home tired and still finds the strength to sit on the floor to play with her kids, make dinner (even if just a quick omelette, which on most days is all she can handle), and read a bedtime story.
Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I love coming to work every day. I am loving this new working mother side of me. I just have acquired a new-found respect for this breed of superwoman. I recently became part of a group called Ima Kadima, who supports working mothers in Israel. Last Friday, the women from my city got together for breakfast and I had the honor to address them and share some ideas from a book I had been reading called Getting to 50/50. I wanted to share the words I shared with them last Friday with all of you, so if you are a working mom out there, maybe this will inspire you in some way...
"When a lot of us were younger, we went to college, some
pursued a master’s degree, we started a career and gave it our all. We started
to climb up the corporate ladder. We got married and it was all great, both
husband and wife having a striving career and then one day, you decide you want
to start a family and after your maternity leave, when it is time to go back to
work, you look at your little baby and ask yourself “how am I going to leave
this little creature?” and you hear everyone around you asking how will your
little one do without you, won’t they need you too much, and so you are led to
think you may need to “opt-out” from a career.
Studies show that although women outperform men academically,
the picture dramatically changes in the corporate environment, when less than
15% of board seats and senior executive positions are occupied by women and 85%
of leaders in most fields are men. This isn’t because women are less capable or
talented, but rather because society has this stigma that we are the ones who
need to sacrifice our careers in order to raise a family.
Society believes men can have a successful career and a
fulfilling personal life, but we are led to believe that as women, that is
difficult at best and often impossible.
In most households, it is the woman who has to spend less
time at the office so she can make pick up in time, it is the woman who spends
her weekends in a marathon against time to do the grocery shopping, errands,
laundry, etc.
Add that to the mental struggle you face when you see a
flyer that says “story time every Monday at 11am”. How in the world will you
ever make that? You think to yourself “Is my kid missing out because I’m a
working mom?” Then comes the day when the staff meeting started 45 minutes late
and you now have to choose between being late to the little league game or
looking unprofessional at work. So one day you think to yourself, “does my
salary even cover day care? Should I just be a SAHM?”
But before you start thinking whether you can make do
without your income, think of a different alternative, one that involves you
and your husband, your partner in life, your ally, to share the load equally. We
strive for gender equality at work, but not at home. According to recent
data, when a husband and wife both have full-time jobs, the woman still does
about 40% more childcare and 30% more housework than her husband does. If we
strive to get an equal share of labor at home, then we as women may not need to
choose between a successful career and a fulfilling personal life either. There
should come the day in which you get to the little league game 45 minutes late,
just as your son is ready to bat, and your husband holds your hand and says
“don’t worry, I got here early”.
But for your husband to be able to work less, you need to
begin to work more.
When women quit their jobs, the repercussions go way beyond
an economic impact. It reinforces the women’s second-class position in the
workforce and dad’s second-class position in the family. The benefits of both
parents working equally outside the home and sharing equal responsibility of
housework and children duty far exceed the benefits of one parent staying home.
Research shows that couples who share work and family loads
equally enjoy as much as a 50% lower risk of divorce. Couples win when they can
stand in each other’s shoes. Men, the fathers of our children, can excel at
parenting just as much as we do and when we can see them as equals in the
parenting tasks, we don’t feel as though we are facing the parenting challenges
alone. Mothers work with less guilt, fathers bond more with their
kids and children benefit from the attention of two equally involved parents.
A study based on the richest data ever collected and
performed by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development in
2006 gathered 1364 kids over a period of 15 years concluded unambiguously that
kids with 100% maternal care fared no better than those who spend time in child
care, which included all types of non-maternal care. The study concluded that
childcare is not what parents should worry about, but how they parent should
be. Kids in high-quality child care had higher cognitive language skills than
other kids including those with at-home moms. Furthermore, you should remember
that your child’s time in child-care is short-lived, whereas your time as a
parent lasts forever. How you behave as a parent is what makes the difference
in your child’s cognitive and emotional development. Stop worrying about who
you are leaving your children with, worry about what happens the moment you and
your husband get home.
A couple who has only one bread winner has more stress
believe it or not. If you stay at home, you’re likely to take on more family
work and your husband is less likely to be home in time for dinner, something
you’ll begin to resent. Being the sole breadwinner is also stressful. A husband
needs to decide between calling one last client or racing home for bedtime and
when he is the sole breadwinner, he may think the kids don’t need him that
night and stay in the office later. When both husband and wife share the load
of bringing money in, the stress is divided, a husband may have the opportunity
to find a better job or a more fulfilling job because he is not being forced to
stay where he is at at the risk of losing the one income.
Now, most of us here have little kids. We get those notes
from school about the kids having to be dressed in a blue tshirt for the next
day when they don’t own a blue tshirt and we go into chaos. But consider this:
blue tshirts and permission slips will be over before you know it and when your
kids are older, having a working mother who can teach them about finance or
management in addition to teaching them how to sow or bake will prove
invaluable. "