Things that will get your Teudat Zehut revoked
We made it here, all the way from the other side of the pond and as hard as we try to blend into Israeli society, there are certain things that will just give us away. We concentrate in clusters in either Jerusalem, Modiin, Beit Shemesh or Zichron, our first question when we walk into a place is “ata medaber anglit?” and mastering the “reish” has proven to be a lost cause.
I’m not saying you should become a kibbutznik and get high with the smell of cow manure and smoke hookah or a Tel Avivnik who holds weekly debates supporting the underprivileged Somali youth at his tiny studio apartment, but when in Rome…
Here is a list of a few things that now that you live in Israel, you should immediately adopt to avoid the risk not only of being spotted from a thousand miles away, but of getting your Teudat Zehut revoked.
- You must barbecue on Yom Haatzmaut. Let it be a public park, forest or your friend’s backyard, turn that mangal (grill) on and get your Al ha Esh going.
- Go big or go home on Lag Ba’Omer. Bringing anything smaller than a door to a Lag Ba’Omer bonfire is simply embarrassing.
- Hit the road on Chol Hamoed. Those very rare, very precious few days in which work and school are off and the Jewish law allows you to drive, you need to spend stuck in traffic for hours on your way to, anywhere really, doesn't matter the destination, it’s the slow-moving journey that counts.
- Sandwiches at a picnic? no way! If you don’t want your TZ revoked you must at the very least bring corn on the cob, boiled eggs, julienned red peppers and any left over food you may find in the fridge before you head out.
- Picnicking, Israelis’ favorite pastime, involves seating on the floor. You don’t want to seem like an amateur at this, so you’ll find money well spent is money spent on an oversized wicker-looking mat. We used to have this trendy soft mat we brought from Miami where me and the baby could sit comfortably on the grass for tummy time or a snack. Forget that! that is an embarrassment. You need to get a colorful Israeli mat. A grass-flattener if you will. One of those where you can sit three families and you don’t need to wash, ever.
And then there are things that perhaps won’t get you your TZ revoked, but that you can start doing if you want to earn some extra brownie points and let your Israeliut speak louder than that American accent of yours:
- Bring a WHOLE watermelon to the beach. None of that cut up pieces in a Tupperware nonsense. Bring a kick-ass size abatiach, a knife and get cutting.
- Get into the matkot madness. There is no beach in Israel where you won’t find a few paddle ball matches going.
- Be loud, sound angry when you really aren't, speak with your hands
- Throw a bucket full of water and squeegee it out to the balcony or the yard when you are cleaning the floor
- Although a complete fashion faux pas and I would certainly frown upon it, if you are feeling really daring, wear sandals with socks!
You know what they say, when in Rome, do like the Romans did and so now that you are an Israeli, step out of your comfort zone and let your reish-induced, hummus-breath, sandal-wearing, mangal-lighting, easy-going personality flourish.
